Inconspicuously Titled Blog Post

So we've had a bit of drama in burlesque land and in my personal life the past week or so...which is already wayyyyy too much. I don't consider myself a dramatic person by any means--but the past two weeks have been a doozy. Thus far, April is shaping up to be an interesting month for me. I told myself I wasn't going to blog about it, and even shut my computer off for two days straight to avoid it--but here I am. I can't deny what is following me throughout the weekend thus far...

So I doubt you've even heard of it yet, but in our burlesque troupe we have lost a new girl. But let me give some background on this first for those of you who know absolutely nothing about our burlesque troupe or the happenings thereof...

Really, we knew it would happen...it was BOUND to happen. When we had auditions back in January, we prepared for the inevitable departure of at least one girl by bringing in three. See, our burlesque troupe was founded in 2008 with three performers, from there it kept a stable three with girls coming and going until 2010 where we ballooned up to 7. It deflated back to 5 and then back up to 6 and then finally went to 9 at the beginning of this year. We were sitting at a healthy 6 girls [with two on the fence] and upped it to 9 in the case that any oldies or newbies had to drop out for scheduling issues or basic life issues...which, of course, happened. No biggie. We planned for it. So we bring in three new girls and we judge them in our auditions based heavily on their personalities, because in our troupe, dance isn't a requirement--dance can be taught...basic life skills on the other hand, cannot. So we spend a good week debating over which three girls to choose and whittle it down to an amazing performer with dance experience and nerddom galore, a gorgeous redhead with a great personality, and a not-so-great performer with excellent ideas and inspiration. Now, this was in JANUARY. Keep that in mind. Fast forward to February--we have a "Debut" show for the new girls--they rock it. They're beautiful and on their A-game and we're super proud of them...we didn't have any more shows in the month of February--we kept a strict practice schedule to discuss upcoming shows and ideas in the dead time in-between. Come March, we have a couple of shows floating around and have a blast during them, no complaints from the girls, in fact, they're all ecstatic about the impending tour and shows booked for April! At this point in the game, we're blown away at the excitement radiating from the new girls and the absolute passion that they have for our art form--everything had been working great. At the end of March we had a free show we performed for a friend and had a "Carnival" theme attached to it. We had agreed to do it months before and were all stoked to get the show on the road--the show starts without a hitch and continues throughout the night at a steady pace...until we get to one of the new girls' solos.
*Now, I'm mentioning this because this is the first sign of trouble that I noticed in the span of time this girl was involved with us...and because, I'm speculating, it may be a reason for her quitting.*
She started her performance and wiggled out of the jean shorts she was wearing...when a patron [drunk] came out on stage with her, picked up her shorts, waved them around her head, and smacked the new girl on the ass...before one of our girls went out and grabbed her and made her sit down--in which, she promptly stood up and walked outside for a cigarette. It shocked all of us and kinda creeped the new girl out...so much so that it made her angry--which, of course, she was in every right to be. We reassured her that everything was okay and tried our best to help her feel okay about the instance and put it behind us. Everyone left that night, and it was only mentioned once after at a group meeting...in which we agreed with her that it was a ridiculous instance and we talked about tightening our restrictions on patrons coming near us while on stage [tightening the gaps between the boys to keep people away, etc. etc.] Now it's April. We've performed 4 shows since the beginning of the month already and after our Easter Sunday show, she quit. Less than 24 hours after, to be precise.

**********END FLASHBACK**********

They look happy, right? Wrong. What you see is not always what you get.

So now we're back to the present. We were sent a group message from said girl about her resignation, which would've been completely okay if it wasn't ridiculous and out of proportion--which it was. A direct copy+paste of the message is below :

Hello all, 

I am writing with an important message. Last night I saw some things that bothered me. I want to tell you guys what bothered me and why. First, the Barnacle Boy song with [pirate band] I found to be extremely problematic. First of all, the line about "if the baby's a girl I will shove her back into your vagina" is crossing a line. There are some things that are off limits for joking. We wouldn't get up there and sing a song making light of black people being auctioned off as slaves. We wouldn't joke about Jewish people and gypsies being hauled off in trains to Auschwitz. The devaluing of female babies is a very real problem. Across time and across the world women are seen as inferior, as less powerful, as pathetic, as undesirable. For this reason a lot of cultures have (and continue to) commit female infanticide. That is, killing their female babies because they are not worth as much as a male baby. This is REAL. I realize that the Barnacle Boy song is a traditional song that goes back generations...this does not make it okay. Black face goes back generations, yet we don't do that...because it's distasteful. 

Also, the way Captain Darron danced with Trashique on stage during the Barnacle Boy song sent, what I think, looked like a contradictory message to burlesque. From what You guys have always said and told me, Burlesque is about empowering women to own their sexuality. During that dance, it felt like Trashique belonged to Captain Darron, and he owned not only her, but her sexuality, and her babies. Nothing could be more disempowering. I understand this message was not your intention...but this is the message that behavior sends. 

The other thing that bothered me immensely was the way [pirate band] acted toward Dolores during the Moose song. I only spoke with Dolores briefly about it, but she told me that they did not warn her about how they were going to act. That said, what they did was completely disrespectful. They touched her without her permission, and forced her into suggestive sexual positions without her permission. I understand that this is possibly something she would not have minded anyhow, but Dolores, as a human being, you and your body have the right to be asked. It is a human right and a right that you deserve. Just because a woman is in lingerie does not give anyone the carte blanche to touch her and sexualize her without her permission. It is the same logic that is used to justify sexual assault and rape..."oh well, she likes having sex, she was wearing a short skirt, she was asking for it." This is absolutely unacceptable. The only person who should have control over a woman's body is that woman herself. They should have asked. 

The thing that has bothered me the most, and cut me the most deeply is the reaction I received when trying to voice my concerns. I discussed these issues with Captain Darron and was met with extreme hatefulness and disrespect. I was belittled and made to feel like my ideals made me a feminist who "takes things too seriously." Let me just say that this, too, is the same oppressive logic that conservatives have used for generations to keep women in their place. When women highlight inequalities they are seen as "ball busters" or "feminazis" or people who "just can't take a joke." These labels are used to devalue and diminish the message that women are trying to send. But worst of all is that I wasn't even given the decency of an attempt to see where I was coming from. To me, Captain Darron, this is both a personal assault and an assault to our friendship. I thought you at least had respect for me. Please understand that the biggest most obvious sign of ignorance is someone who is unwilling to listen or consider others' opinions. This is the ignorance you displayed to me today. 

I hate to do this because I have an immense amount of respect for you women. I also have a lot of fun performing. But I do not feel that I can reconcile my ideals with the displays of last night. But mostly, I do not feel I can go on in this troupe in the face of how I have been treated by Captain Darron. I will not be at practice tonight, I am sorry. Understand that this is a well thought out decision that I did not make lightly. 

With love, 
New Girl

So after reading this, those of you who know and love the pirate band are already well aware of the infamous 3rd set...correct? For those of you who aren't, [pirate band] is a acoustic duo who sing traditional sea shanties, ridiculous stories, and straight up raunchy jingles when the time is right. They spend a lot of their performing time at the ren faires performing every weekend to an array of ages, most of them young adults and children, keeping their sets PG-13 and family friendly...but whenever they get the chance [mainly, with our burlesque troupe], they let the infamous 3rd set out, which includes "Barnacle Bill" "The Moose Song//The Women's Version" & a few of their own original pieces. I've given links for the songs that were directly taken into offense for educational value...and to show that they have been performed for years and years by other bands and were not just to depreciate us for the night.

This guy was based around the "Barnacle Bill" song all those years ago.

But I digress...
To address all of the points in the message, I shall break it down into paragraphs...oohh....maybe even sentences! This is fun!

"Hello all,"
What is THAT supposed to mean? Hello? HELLO?!  That's so sexist. :P

"I am writing with an important message. Last night I saw some things that bothered me. I want to tell you guys what bothered me and why."
Seems legit. Telling us what and why...at least she's being specific.


" First, the Barnacle Boy song with [pirate band] I found to be extremely problematic. First of all, the line about "if the baby's a girl I will shove her back into your vagina" is crossing a line. There are some things that are off limits for joking."
Like I posted before, the song is not a direct creation of [pirate band] and if you clicked the link for the song you will have noticed this as well. As far as the line mentioned, if you have a sense of humor...you understand this as a joke...and if you don't, you shouldn't be at a [pirate band] show...and being a performer means understanding that there is NOTHING off limits for joking about, performing, writing, creating, or brainstorming. Especially with jokes--there's no such thing as "limits" for a joke.


"We wouldn't get up there and sing a song making light of black people being auctioned off as slaves."
Again, to reinforce--NOTHING is off limits for a joke.


"We wouldn't joke about Jewish people and gypsies being hauled off in trains to Auschwitz."
Again, NOTHING.


"The devaluing of female babies is a very real problem."
And the devaluing of premature ejaculations is a very real problem (...NOTHING.).

Penis jokes. They're funny.

"Across time and across the world women are seen as inferior, as less powerful, as pathetic, as undesirable. For this reason a lot of cultures have (and continue to) commit female infanticide.That is, killing their female babies because they are not worth as much as a male baby. This is REAL." 

Yes, we acknowledge the devaluing of women is a real issue, and it's sad that they have to endure the trials and tribulations of the countries they are privy to...but by taking our clothes off in our sultry and comedic ways--are we not adding to the problem? [...wait, I guess we aren't...see? I've got jokes!] 

"I realize that the Barnacle Boy song is a traditional song that goes back generations...this does not make it okay. Black face goes back generations, yet we don't do that...because it's distasteful."
You know what else is distasteful? Getting on stage and taking your clothes off...didn't seem to have a problem with that, did ya? Women and men alike from all demographics are allowed to have a problem with anything they see fit--they can label ANYTHING THAT THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE/DON'T LIKE as distasteful. What else is distasteful?* The LGBT community, wearing leggings as pants, listening to Dee Snider, bad breath, cat anus, and most of all -- Barack Obama. [MORE LIKE NOBAMA] 
*Note:: I am in no way against any of the following list of "distasteful things" that I write...in fact, I love all of these horrible, distasteful things! [ except for bad breath...well, and cat anus]

Mmmmm...yesssss...I must say that cat anus & Obama are both QUITE dreadful...

"Also, the way Captain Darron danced with Trashique on stage during the Barnacle Boy song sent, what I think, looked like a contradictory message to burlesque. From what You guys have always said and told me, Burlesque is about empowering women to own their sexuality. During that dance, it felt like Trashique belonged to Captain Darron, and he owned not only her, but her sexuality, and her babies. Nothing could be more disempowering. I understand this message was not your intention...but this is the message that behavior sends."

Captain Darron once was in a play where he played the part of a racist, murdering sheriff's deputy [this is actually a true story]. THAT behavior, by the same argument, could promote murder and bigotry. Yet, one is misogynistic...the other is theater. Where did the lines blur? Every performance we spend onstage is an act of theater. We are all playing our roles, our characters, to the audience. Once again, if you haven't clicked the Barnacle Bill link, do it and read the lyrics all the way through. [Pirate band] requested us to ACT OUT the lyrics...which we've done multiple times in the past while performing with them...the lyrics are vulgar...they're meant to be...and on my part, apparently nobody [except the people in the front row] noticed me punch Captain Darron in the balls after he bent me over onstage because I didn't like it. That's the POINT of the song. It's supposed to be banter-y and ridiculously sexist.

"The other thing that bothered me immensely was the way [pirate band] acted toward Dolores during the Moose song. I only spoke with Dolores briefly about it, but she told me that they did not warn her about how they were going to act."
Calling shenanigans! Dolores has performed with this band dozens of times, we sing this song as our rally before our shows...she is clearly capable of understanding the meaning behind the lyrics [or in front of] and knew exactly what went into being the "moose". [Ask her! I swear it!] 


"That said, what they did was completely disrespectful. They touched her without her permission, and forced her into suggestive sexual positions without her permission. I understand that this is possibly something she would not have minded anyhow, but Dolores, as a human being, you and your body have the right to be asked. It is a human right and a right that you deserve. Just because a woman is in lingerie does not give anyone the carte blanche to touch her and sexualize her without her permission."
Yes. Agreed. Very good points and well-written at that. Dolores on the other hand argues that they DID ask her to volunteer and that she knew what she was getting into...you would've known this if you had supersonic hearing and the eye of a hawk. [BUT YOU DON'T]


"It is the same logic that is used to justify sexual assault and rape..."oh well, she likes having sex, she was wearing a short skirt, she was asking for it." This is absolutely unacceptable. The only person who should have control over a woman's body is that woman herself. They should have asked."
They did. And she said yes. Which makes it the same logic that justifies sex, not rape. Dolores may have been violated on stage, but it was with her permission.


The thing that has bothered me the most, and cut me the most deeply is the reaction I received when trying to voice my concerns. I discussed these issues with Captain Darron and was met with extreme hatefulness and disrespect." *

This point shall be up for discussion later in this entry with the actual conversation listed and quoted that is being referred to in statement.

"I was belittled and made to feel like my ideals made me a feminist who "takes things too seriously.""
Well, you ARE a woman. [OH MY GOD, SEXIST JOKES]

Oh my!

"Let me just say that this, too, is the same oppressive logic that conservatives have used for generations to keep women in their place."
...IN THE KITCHEN.


"When women highlight inequalities they are seen as "ball busters" or "feminazis" or people who "just can't take a joke." These labels are used to devalue and diminish the message that women are trying to send. But worst of all is that I wasn't even given the decency of an attempt to see where I was coming from. To me, Captain Darron, this is both a personal assault and an assault to our friendship. I thought you at least had respect for me. Please understand that the biggest most obvious sign of ignorance is someone who is unwilling to listen or consider others' opinions. This is the ignorance you displayed to me today. "
Once again, to be evaluated after the epic breakdown of this letter is complete. 

"I hate to do this because I have an immense amount of respect for you women."
Enough respect to send us a group Facebook message including everyone in the sideshow and burlesque troupes that work together instead of trying to communicate on a face-to-face basis. 


"I also have a lot of fun performing. But I do not feel that I can reconcile my ideals with the displays of last night."
F-U-N. That's the keyword here. Why do we do what we do? Because it's FUN. Not because we're standing on our soapboxes waving our flags of feminist rage or activist awareness...but because it's fun.


"But mostly, I do not feel I can go on in this troupe in the face of how I have been treated by Captain Darron. I will not be at practice tonight, I am sorry. Understand that this is a well thought out decision that I did not make lightly."
So what's you're saying is that you let a MAN who isn't a leader of the burlesque group you are performing in scare you out of the troupe? Wait, there's some flawed logic here. And well thought out? In less than 24 hours? What?

With love, 
New Girl


So we've broken down the message into tidbits, and left a few asterisks to be resolved. The message and conversation that was being referred to throughout the message sent is as below, word for word [except for the names and shit...that'd just be rude]:
* Note: Captain Darron and New Girl have known each other and been close friends for the greater portion of their lives.

• New Girl
• oh that's cool. We can talk on here if you'd rather
• Or I can call you later, it's whatever.
• There were just some things about last night that didn't feel quite right to me and I kinda wanted to talk it out.
• Captain Darron
• here is fine, lets chat
• New Girl
• Well, usually when we do staple tips, it's part of sideshow, and usually you're one of the first to get stapled, and it's not an objectification thing, it's a sideshow pain tolerance thing.
• The way it was presented last night, where Dolores bent over in front of the crowd...it was like you were selling her ass to the audience.
• Not like you were doing a sideshow trick.
• I know you're not sexist, and I know you don't want to come off as sexist, but that came off as really sexist.
• Captain Darron
• that's something to take up with Dolores, she did that all on her own and I just presented it to the crowd as it was happening.
• New Girl
• The other thing that upset me was the [pirate band] song where they asked you and Trashique to act it out.
• The one verse where it's like blah blah if the baby's a girl I'll shove it back in her vagina.
• and the dynamic between you and Trashique on stage, again, I know you didn't mean it this way...but it came off very much as you manhandling her like "This is MY woman"
• I know it's supposed to be lighthearted and funny.
• I just think it's really crossing a line.
• Captain Darron
• that's the song. Barnacle Bill is a traditional sailor's song, goes back hundreds of years (seriously).
• New Girl
• And I say it because I know you aren't sexist...and I know you don't want to look sexist up on stage.
• Well, yeah, a lot of things go back hundreds of years...doesn't make it okay.
• Trashique did not look like an empowered woman who owned her sexuality.
• The way you were joking around with her made it look like YOU owned both her AND her sexuality.
• and again, I'm not trying to put you on the defensive....I just...I know you..and I know you're not the kind of guy who would want to be perceived this way.
• But if I didn't know you and I saw that....I would think something very different about you
• Captain Darron
• Katie, I love you, you've been a dear friend to me for over a decade, but you've got too many lines to cross, you take things too seriously.
• New Girl
• This is not a leap...I'm not reading into this...
• and I've defended the troupe to many people who thought a lot of the jokes were sexist...
• but this is something I just cannot explain away.
• I'm not the only one who notices it.
• And the third and final thing
• When they brought Dolores up on stage for Moose.
• They did not ask her if they could use her body in that way.
• It was a total violation.
• Captain Darron
• yea they did. we've performed with [pirate band] dozens of times, Dolores knows the song, she knows the act, and guess what, she volunteered to be the moose before the show ever started. if that offends you, take it up with Dolores and [pirate band].
• New Girl
• I asked Dolores
• She said they did not tell her they were going to do that.
• She looked really uncomfortable on stage
• And maybe I'm mistaken, but I thought burlesque was supposed to be about powerful women taking ownership of their sexuality.

• That is not what I saw last night.
• And, in fact, I'm really upset that it seems you are not attempting to see this from my perspective.
• Again, I'm not trying to put you on the defensive. I'm trying to get you to see what I saw last night.
• Captain Darron
• you need to take this up with Trixie and Trashique, they're the ones in charge of [burlesque]. and yes, I know what you saw last night. You saw a bunch of perverts, from 3 different acts, [burlesque], [sideshow], and [pirate band], being perverted, misogynistic, sexist, vile, and most importantly, having a fucking blast
• heaven forbid we do something that isn't PC and have fun doing it
• New Girl
• Wow.
• Captain Darron
• we don't cater to anyone, ANYONE
• New Girl
• I really thought you would be more understanding than this.
• I'm not asking you to cater.
• I'm asking for respect.
• Captain Darron
• yes you are
• New Girl
• Or at least I'm asking you to be honest about what the meaning behind burlesque is.
• If it's about women owning their sexuality, then these actions do not align with that message.
• If it's about being raunchy sex dolls....I'm not cool with that.
• and in fact, I assume that would alienate a large portion of your base.
• I've got to go to this meeting. I'll check back to see what you've written when I'm done.
• Captain Darron
• have fun
• You worry too much about what everyone else thinks, and that's what this is all about. Burlesque is getting on stage, whether you're fat, skinny, ugly, beautiful, whatever, and saying here I am, I'm a sexual being, here's my sexuality, whatever that sexuality may be. if you're a pervert, get up there and do something perverted, if you're a prude, get up there and show that. if you have rape fantasies, do that. nothing is wrong, everything is okay, and fuck what everyone else has to say about it. fuck that I'm not supposed to show my sexuality. it's not about waving a Girl Power banner and fitting into those norms, it's not supposed to be a dedicated message, its supposed to be fun by OUR definition, not anyone elses. if that offends some people, fuck em, they don't have to come to the show. we have fun at our shows, and so does our audience. if you thought this was going to be the Vagina Monologues, you were mistaken. this isn't about being an activist. it's about having fun with ourselves, and fun.
  • with the audience.
• THAT'S what makes it empowering, that the girls do WHAT THEY WANT and to hell with everyone else's opinions.

Amen, brother!

Now the reason for this blog post is here at HerLinked. I know this was long and probably a very uncomfortable read for most of my followers, and I apologize for that. I just really felt as though this needed to see the light and get out of my head and out of my fellow troupe members' as well. 
We haven't taken this lightly. This has hurt. More than we're willing to admit. We're in no way malicious or rude to anyone that we perform for or to, for that matter. We do not ask those who aren't interested in our wares to come to our shows, nor do we flaunt our ways in front of them if that is not what they wish to see. The burlesque troupe was formed as a hobby, and as it grows into a traveling act, we have one common goal--to have fun. We take our clothes off onstage to hundreds of people because we want to. We do it for the rush, the pleasure, the excitement that is performing. That alone is our message. Having the confidence and gumption to get onstage, strip, and have fun while you're doing it is something millions of people could never even dream of doing--so being able to handle that with a classy twist is female empowerment in and of itself. We're not against charity or activism...we plan on putting more events like those together as the months wear on, but you've got to give us time. We don't get paid, we all have full-time jobs, and we put everything we have into our art. Progress takes time. If the issues highlighted would've been brought to us instead of posted in a public article or in a Facebook message, we would've asked to discuss it to better our troupe...not bashed the views behind it. I say this as the co-head and as a friend. I'm not unreasonable. I've got a stupid sense of humor, but I acknowledge that...so maybe it's better off that she quit. The rest of the bunch have a sense of humor as bad or worse than my own...so she would've flown off her rocker for something else if [pirate band] didn't scare her off. 


The jist is, I wanted to clear the air around this article and give the other side of the story a good airing out...with no malicious intent. There's a flip side to every coin.

We're a bunch of stupid fun gypsy/circus/vaudeville/comedic/ridiculous/plain dumb group of people with a common goal...to have fun and own our sexuality while we're at it. 


Hey! Did you hear that joke about that black guy...?

Not black, but still oddly fitting...

God, It's Been Awhile :: My Taste of the Hunger Games

I really don't have a very good intention span when it comes to writing anymore. It's depressing, really. I used to write such interesting things back in the Xanga days... [DON'T YOU DARE GO LOOK FOR MY XANGA...oh, who am I kidding...of course you're looking for it]

WARNING:: Expect this to be a bitchy post. Just letting you know right now.

So I picked up the first of the "Hunger Games" series--the book, that is--and I ended up finishing it in two nights. Now, don't get me wrong...I'm not in LOVE with this book. Seriously, it's not even that awesome...I mean, it has it's moments and all...but I have to give credit where credit is due--it hooked me. I was totally engulfed into the world of Panem along with Effie and her weird hairstyles and Cinna with his contagious generosity and general niceness...even Katniss drew me in here and again. But I have to say it--the movie sucked. And hearing about all of the girls who went to theaters with "Team Peeta" shirts & crooning over every "love" moment in the movie...ugh. It makes me want to hurl. I liked Peeta sooooooooooooo much better in the books. I doubt any of those fangirls even remember the vital moments left out of the movie that were oh-so-needed in the book.

Ignore that this is from 9gag. I do not condone 9gag. 9gag sucks. Reddit wins. The end.

Not to mention that Katniss was SO much more of a badass in the book. Which, okay, fine, I understand...it's hard to portray internal thoughts on-screen...but SOMETHING OTHER THAN HER OBLIVIOUS, HELPLESS/I'M A BADASS ATTITUDE could've been portrayed to help balance her character out. There were plenty of instances in the movie where a change of camera angle or SOME SORT OF EMOTION FROM THE ACTRESSES' FACE could've changed the mood completely. Mind you, I sat on the couch with my boyfriend/significant other/lover/partner-in-life as we watched the movie together. He hasn't read the books--so he doesn't understand my frustration as well as others may--but I don't think he was too impressed either. The entirety of the film was shot in the same "twilight-y" film that, well, "Twilight" was shot in...and no, it wasn't just my pirated copy that looked hazy, I CHECKED THIS SHIT OUT.

Total bitch face. The quiver & bow look photo-shopped in.

I can't help it. I'm always a sucker for strong women roles, and in the book, I loved Katniss. When I saw the actress who played her and the way the movie turned out, I couldn't help but be disappointed. Maybe she's just too inexperienced to portray the Katniss that I wanted in my Hunger Games...or maybe she's just a bad actress. I have no idea. But I'm starting to think maybe all of the "main roles" in the Hunger Games kind of followed the same league. I mean, c'mon. Peeta? For real? When I imagined Peeta while reading the book [yes, I ignored all trailers and ads for the Hunger Games movie and even ignored it's existence until after I read the book], I imagined him to be a LOT less weeny than what he was in this film. He had that constant "oblivious eyebrow" look that I always tell Luscious Peter that he has on a daily basis.
 --->
 --->
 --->
 --->So basically, he looked like Luscious Peter is what this boils down to...(and that's not DEFINITELY what I wanted[no offense, Peter]).


Peeta was supposed to be this hulking baker's son with humor that went for miles and a smile to beat all the suns--instead we get this kid ::

 

who bears a close resemblance to this kid ::

and we should ALL know why that's wrong. 

I enjoyed the movie to a point...in like a, "hey, Cinna is Lenny Kravitz wearing gold eyelineromgthat'shot" kind of way and I had a deep appreciation of the styling throughout the Capitol in the ways of hair and makeup. But honestly, that's about it.

See? Badass. She NEVER looked like this in the movie.

I've already bought the second book and am ready to start it as soon as I can get over the fact that I really didn't like the Hunger Game movie thing that they put together. I mean, I'm sure it's doing great at the box office and there are new teen heartthrobs for this generation [because, let's face it...ANYTHING is better than sparkly vampires], but overall I was unimpressed.

In other news, Kentucky won it's first National Championship in like, 14 years. WOW. Wait, can't talk about that...just received a phone call to the AMAZING store that I work at about the HUNGER GAMES DISTRICT 19 GAME. What. the. living. fuck. THERE'S A GAME NOW? --but wait, there wasn't even a District 19...It only went to District 12--which he would know if he had read the books. Wait, HE? Goddammit, Hunger Games!

[Let me help you out, here's that link you went searching for and probably didn't find. Go ahead. Read it. I fucking dare you.[[I was a stupid teen]] :: http://brilliantdisguise28.xanga.com/    <---Good luck navigating that]
[[and here's the reason why "that kid" is so bad :: http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-problems-with-living-in-game-thrones-universe/]]
[[[and this :: See IMAGE BELOW]]]

Money Money Money

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't really have a tight-knit family. Like, I love my family, don't get me wrong...but the atomic family? That's not us. We're not the Hallmark family with the Thanksgiving dinners & perfect holidays...not even close, considering I don't even get to go home for Thanksgiving OR Christmas this year.
And with a sister who doesn't even recognize me as her sister unless she wants something, it makes everything feel surreal. My parents are the best in the world. By far. I love them both dearly and wouldn't trade them for anything, but they're over 300 miles south. I made the decision to move this far away & chose to live in Lexington and do not, by any stretch of the imagination, regret it whatsoever...but it does kinda suck when it comes to the holidays. It stinks having to know that no matter how much you care, money is the ticket to bring your family together for holidays. Or in general. I hate that so much. Money makes the world go 'round. [That's an act the boyfriend and I are working on from Cabaret for a show in the near future too] And it's so ridiculously true.
Ever since moving out on my own at the age of 17, I've had to have a full-time or at least part-time job that paid well to be able to survive. I'm okay with that, because it gave me a strong work ethic, and a sense of responsibility. Accountability. That sort of thing. That is, after I had a couple of jobs.

I guess the point I'm trying to come to is it's not enough to just want to be with your family, you have to earn the income to be able to make it happen. And in my case, neither side makes enough to see the other. I mean, I'm sure my parents will make something work & drive up for less than 24 hours on Christmas like they did last year...but that's not enough. Why can't we have enough time together to have that pretty dinner together? That picturesque moment where we're all in utter bliss simply from being together. I haven't had that in a long time...at least not since I moved away. :[

I've had to miss the family reunion due to lack of money. I'm missing Thanksgiving next week with my family...instead I'm going to the boyfriends' family's dinner [which is fine, but why can't we do BOTH?!]. And I won't be traveling home til AFTER Christmas where I MIGHT be able to stay at my house for 7 hours or so in-between performances in Atlanta & Chattanooga.

This show biz gig has got to take off so there's more income in mine and Zak's pockets. He's the breadwinner, which is fine...but it bugs me so much. But I can't handle two jobs at once, I've tried it & it wears me out to the point of not wanting to do anything. I NEED a life. Burlesque is that life, but it's hard to keep everything teetering on the even scale when there's money to be given everywhere I go.


SIGH.

Attitude Rage

You know something that I really just can't stand? Fucking passive-aggressiveness. If you don't like something I'm doing or have something to say--doesn't it just work better to get it off of your chest instead of building it into something that no longer makes any sort of sense? 

Actually, maybe if they keep it in their heads long enough it will make them explode...which will make me happy & possibly make the planet a little easier to deal with day-to-day.

Regardless, the real issue here is--I FUCKING HATE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVENESS. Don't say one thing to me & mean something completely different...say what you mean. Or, let's try this...if the issue bothering you has absolutely NOTHING to do with me, why not take it up with the person that does instead of insinuating to me that you want ME to tell them because you're too chicken shit to do it yourself? OH, that's another thing I really can't stand--not taking ACCOUNTABILITY. Here, let's spell it out. A-C-C-O-U-N-T-A-B-I-L-I-T-fucking-Y. Don't know what that means? It's called taking account for your actions & taking the responsibility to deal with your own problems instead of pushing them onto others. 

I don't like being pushed around, and I WON'T be pushed around for long. Most of you know that I'm an independent woman who can do everything for herself & doesn't need anyone breathing down her back leaving their foul comments behind...so what do I need to do to project that even further to where EVERYONE understands that? I don't like drama & I won't deal with it--hence why this blog is here--I vent, I breathe, I get over it. 

Getting Over Being Rude

I've restarted & restarted this damn blog so many times that I can't count it on my fingers anymore...it's not the new year yet, but I'm freaking making this a resolution RIGHT NOW...if for nothing else than to help me work my way through some of the things I go through on a daily basis so my "I'mlisteningtoyoubecauseIloveyoubutreallythere'snotawholelotIcandoforyouexceptlisten" boyfriend can catch a break here and there.

So let's just jump in.

I'm going to start this blog on a venting moment...so please bear with me.

Every week I get the pleasure of spending time with my coworkers and friends of my workplace just hanging out and watching movies, tv shows, etc. It's continued over about 14 weeks & it seems to be going well enough to keep it as a regular thing. Basically, it's a pretty fun evening for the most part. BUT, with all the performing that my boyfriend and I have been embarking on lately, its kept us out of the loop lately making us feel a little behind here and there and basically ostracized from anyone that we are friends with. Last night, we decided to head over to see everyone for a bit since we hadn't been to the last meeting, and yesterday was a SUPER long day...I had a 5-hour long photo shoot after a 3-hour makeup session, then barely got to sit at home before the boyfriend swooped me up to take me on a date [because I was dressed up, and what's the point if you don't put it to some use? it doesn't happen often for me]. I enjoyed yesterday overall & was in extremely high spirits up until one moment in the night after arriving at the friends' house.

DUN DUN DUN!

Oh yes, yes indeed. Now let me give you a little background...I have a temper. I've had one since I was a wee tiny little lass [redundancy ftw!] & over the years I've come to keep it strapped in quite well in most situations [there are exceptions to everything, yada yada...] but there are times here & there that I let it come out in my tone of voice, my body language, etc. I'm not always proud of it, in fact, it's something that bothers me quite a bit simply because I'm a very emotionally oriented person--which is hard for me to push down & ignore in times of instantaneous irritation.

One of those moments presented itself last night.
A young lady sitting next to me last night kept the habit of saying things under her breath endlessly...which, for the most part, wouldn't bother me, if they weren't mean comments. Everyone has their ticks & if you need to talk under your breath to make yourself feel better, then by god that's what you're gonna do & I support you, but not if you're being plain rude. That doesn't help anyone. Especially not yourself.
The reason I bring this up is because this has been my first encounter since I've moved to Kentucky where this sort of thing has popped up, and I KNOW how I would've handled it in the past, but now that I live in a completely different place & am coming into my own...it only feels appropriate to fully analyze what I'm about to do and/or say to make sure it's what I'm really going for.
Anyways, it really bothered me after awhile because we were watching "Twin Peaks" & for anyone who knows about that show...well, it's hard to follow...especially after missing 5 or more nights of watching it. A part came up in the show that made my boyfriend and I look at each other & ask a question simultaneously...and everyone starts to laugh, which is fine...except Miss talk-to-herself beside me was like "HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?" <---[over-exaggerated in my head] & I immediately pop back with, "BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T BEEN HERE FOR OVER HALF OF THE NIGHTS! HOW WOULD WE KNOW?" & turn my head towards my boyfriend & immediately roll my eyes. Then she goes on to say "Well there's just not a point in you even watching this then"...

I. WAS. PISSED.

^^Which is ridiculously stupid of me, and I realized that almost immediately after leaving for the night & calming down. I was so upset that I made it a point to keep my hand over my mouth to keep me from lashing out in front of my boss and coworkers, and to keep from embarrassing everyone. I.JUST.CAN'T.STAND.NEGATIVITY. And that's all that that was to me. Because after that remark, I counted 11 instances where negative comments were spoken under her breath & honestly, that's not healthy, nor is it enjoyable for me. I don't claim to know anything about anyone or assume anything either...but being rude & ruining the fun for one person is enough to get my gears grinding. From what I noticed, it didn't bother anyone else in the room, which is why I'm starting to think that I overreacted in my thoughts thinking that it was a big deal, but at the time it seemed like a big enough of a deal for me to say something & stand my ground....if I were anywhere else I would've continued the conversation with her after her last comment & ended with, "You know, your attitude really stinks, honey & I really wish you'd have a more positive outlook on this group meeting...we're here to have fun, not be sticklers..." But I didn't feel comfortable enough to do that & I'm not entirely sure that calling someone that I don't know out in a public setting like that, especially in my employer's house who has graciously been inviting me every time, would be appropriate. In my mind, it is. But socially, it's not. Just because I don't take crap doesn't mean that I can't handle situations like these in a better manner.

I wish I were able to just let the water shed down my back....but sometimes it's harder than it seems.
Thanks for listening!

Next post::Upcoming shows & business along with it