Money Money Money

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't really have a tight-knit family. Like, I love my family, don't get me wrong...but the atomic family? That's not us. We're not the Hallmark family with the Thanksgiving dinners & perfect holidays...not even close, considering I don't even get to go home for Thanksgiving OR Christmas this year.
And with a sister who doesn't even recognize me as her sister unless she wants something, it makes everything feel surreal. My parents are the best in the world. By far. I love them both dearly and wouldn't trade them for anything, but they're over 300 miles south. I made the decision to move this far away & chose to live in Lexington and do not, by any stretch of the imagination, regret it whatsoever...but it does kinda suck when it comes to the holidays. It stinks having to know that no matter how much you care, money is the ticket to bring your family together for holidays. Or in general. I hate that so much. Money makes the world go 'round. [That's an act the boyfriend and I are working on from Cabaret for a show in the near future too] And it's so ridiculously true.
Ever since moving out on my own at the age of 17, I've had to have a full-time or at least part-time job that paid well to be able to survive. I'm okay with that, because it gave me a strong work ethic, and a sense of responsibility. Accountability. That sort of thing. That is, after I had a couple of jobs.

I guess the point I'm trying to come to is it's not enough to just want to be with your family, you have to earn the income to be able to make it happen. And in my case, neither side makes enough to see the other. I mean, I'm sure my parents will make something work & drive up for less than 24 hours on Christmas like they did last year...but that's not enough. Why can't we have enough time together to have that pretty dinner together? That picturesque moment where we're all in utter bliss simply from being together. I haven't had that in a long time...at least not since I moved away. :[

I've had to miss the family reunion due to lack of money. I'm missing Thanksgiving next week with my family...instead I'm going to the boyfriends' family's dinner [which is fine, but why can't we do BOTH?!]. And I won't be traveling home til AFTER Christmas where I MIGHT be able to stay at my house for 7 hours or so in-between performances in Atlanta & Chattanooga.

This show biz gig has got to take off so there's more income in mine and Zak's pockets. He's the breadwinner, which is fine...but it bugs me so much. But I can't handle two jobs at once, I've tried it & it wears me out to the point of not wanting to do anything. I NEED a life. Burlesque is that life, but it's hard to keep everything teetering on the even scale when there's money to be given everywhere I go.


SIGH.

Attitude Rage

You know something that I really just can't stand? Fucking passive-aggressiveness. If you don't like something I'm doing or have something to say--doesn't it just work better to get it off of your chest instead of building it into something that no longer makes any sort of sense? 

Actually, maybe if they keep it in their heads long enough it will make them explode...which will make me happy & possibly make the planet a little easier to deal with day-to-day.

Regardless, the real issue here is--I FUCKING HATE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVENESS. Don't say one thing to me & mean something completely different...say what you mean. Or, let's try this...if the issue bothering you has absolutely NOTHING to do with me, why not take it up with the person that does instead of insinuating to me that you want ME to tell them because you're too chicken shit to do it yourself? OH, that's another thing I really can't stand--not taking ACCOUNTABILITY. Here, let's spell it out. A-C-C-O-U-N-T-A-B-I-L-I-T-fucking-Y. Don't know what that means? It's called taking account for your actions & taking the responsibility to deal with your own problems instead of pushing them onto others. 

I don't like being pushed around, and I WON'T be pushed around for long. Most of you know that I'm an independent woman who can do everything for herself & doesn't need anyone breathing down her back leaving their foul comments behind...so what do I need to do to project that even further to where EVERYONE understands that? I don't like drama & I won't deal with it--hence why this blog is here--I vent, I breathe, I get over it. 

Getting Over Being Rude

I've restarted & restarted this damn blog so many times that I can't count it on my fingers anymore...it's not the new year yet, but I'm freaking making this a resolution RIGHT NOW...if for nothing else than to help me work my way through some of the things I go through on a daily basis so my "I'mlisteningtoyoubecauseIloveyoubutreallythere'snotawholelotIcandoforyouexceptlisten" boyfriend can catch a break here and there.

So let's just jump in.

I'm going to start this blog on a venting moment...so please bear with me.

Every week I get the pleasure of spending time with my coworkers and friends of my workplace just hanging out and watching movies, tv shows, etc. It's continued over about 14 weeks & it seems to be going well enough to keep it as a regular thing. Basically, it's a pretty fun evening for the most part. BUT, with all the performing that my boyfriend and I have been embarking on lately, its kept us out of the loop lately making us feel a little behind here and there and basically ostracized from anyone that we are friends with. Last night, we decided to head over to see everyone for a bit since we hadn't been to the last meeting, and yesterday was a SUPER long day...I had a 5-hour long photo shoot after a 3-hour makeup session, then barely got to sit at home before the boyfriend swooped me up to take me on a date [because I was dressed up, and what's the point if you don't put it to some use? it doesn't happen often for me]. I enjoyed yesterday overall & was in extremely high spirits up until one moment in the night after arriving at the friends' house.

DUN DUN DUN!

Oh yes, yes indeed. Now let me give you a little background...I have a temper. I've had one since I was a wee tiny little lass [redundancy ftw!] & over the years I've come to keep it strapped in quite well in most situations [there are exceptions to everything, yada yada...] but there are times here & there that I let it come out in my tone of voice, my body language, etc. I'm not always proud of it, in fact, it's something that bothers me quite a bit simply because I'm a very emotionally oriented person--which is hard for me to push down & ignore in times of instantaneous irritation.

One of those moments presented itself last night.
A young lady sitting next to me last night kept the habit of saying things under her breath endlessly...which, for the most part, wouldn't bother me, if they weren't mean comments. Everyone has their ticks & if you need to talk under your breath to make yourself feel better, then by god that's what you're gonna do & I support you, but not if you're being plain rude. That doesn't help anyone. Especially not yourself.
The reason I bring this up is because this has been my first encounter since I've moved to Kentucky where this sort of thing has popped up, and I KNOW how I would've handled it in the past, but now that I live in a completely different place & am coming into my own...it only feels appropriate to fully analyze what I'm about to do and/or say to make sure it's what I'm really going for.
Anyways, it really bothered me after awhile because we were watching "Twin Peaks" & for anyone who knows about that show...well, it's hard to follow...especially after missing 5 or more nights of watching it. A part came up in the show that made my boyfriend and I look at each other & ask a question simultaneously...and everyone starts to laugh, which is fine...except Miss talk-to-herself beside me was like "HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?" <---[over-exaggerated in my head] & I immediately pop back with, "BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T BEEN HERE FOR OVER HALF OF THE NIGHTS! HOW WOULD WE KNOW?" & turn my head towards my boyfriend & immediately roll my eyes. Then she goes on to say "Well there's just not a point in you even watching this then"...

I. WAS. PISSED.

^^Which is ridiculously stupid of me, and I realized that almost immediately after leaving for the night & calming down. I was so upset that I made it a point to keep my hand over my mouth to keep me from lashing out in front of my boss and coworkers, and to keep from embarrassing everyone. I.JUST.CAN'T.STAND.NEGATIVITY. And that's all that that was to me. Because after that remark, I counted 11 instances where negative comments were spoken under her breath & honestly, that's not healthy, nor is it enjoyable for me. I don't claim to know anything about anyone or assume anything either...but being rude & ruining the fun for one person is enough to get my gears grinding. From what I noticed, it didn't bother anyone else in the room, which is why I'm starting to think that I overreacted in my thoughts thinking that it was a big deal, but at the time it seemed like a big enough of a deal for me to say something & stand my ground....if I were anywhere else I would've continued the conversation with her after her last comment & ended with, "You know, your attitude really stinks, honey & I really wish you'd have a more positive outlook on this group meeting...we're here to have fun, not be sticklers..." But I didn't feel comfortable enough to do that & I'm not entirely sure that calling someone that I don't know out in a public setting like that, especially in my employer's house who has graciously been inviting me every time, would be appropriate. In my mind, it is. But socially, it's not. Just because I don't take crap doesn't mean that I can't handle situations like these in a better manner.

I wish I were able to just let the water shed down my back....but sometimes it's harder than it seems.
Thanks for listening!

Next post::Upcoming shows & business along with it