The more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't really have a tight-knit family. Like, I love my family, don't get me wrong...but the atomic family? That's not us. We're not the Hallmark family with the Thanksgiving dinners & perfect holidays...not even close, considering I don't even get to go home for Thanksgiving OR Christmas this year.
And with a sister who doesn't even recognize me as her sister unless she wants something, it makes everything feel surreal. My parents are the best in the world. By far. I love them both dearly and wouldn't trade them for anything, but they're over 300 miles south. I made the decision to move this far away & chose to live in Lexington and do not, by any stretch of the imagination, regret it whatsoever...but it does kinda suck when it comes to the holidays. It stinks having to know that no matter how much you care, money is the ticket to bring your family together for holidays. Or in general. I hate that so much. Money makes the world go 'round. [That's an act the boyfriend and I are working on from Cabaret for a show in the near future too] And it's so ridiculously true.
Ever since moving out on my own at the age of 17, I've had to have a full-time or at least part-time job that paid well to be able to survive. I'm okay with that, because it gave me a strong work ethic, and a sense of responsibility. Accountability. That sort of thing. That is, after I had a couple of jobs.
I guess the point I'm trying to come to is it's not enough to just want to be with your family, you have to earn the income to be able to make it happen. And in my case, neither side makes enough to see the other. I mean, I'm sure my parents will make something work & drive up for less than 24 hours on Christmas like they did last year...but that's not enough. Why can't we have enough time together to have that pretty dinner together? That picturesque moment where we're all in utter bliss simply from being together. I haven't had that in a long time...at least not since I moved away. :[
I've had to miss the family reunion due to lack of money. I'm missing Thanksgiving next week with my family...instead I'm going to the boyfriends' family's dinner [which is fine, but why can't we do BOTH?!]. And I won't be traveling home til AFTER Christmas where I MIGHT be able to stay at my house for 7 hours or so in-between performances in Atlanta & Chattanooga.
This show biz gig has got to take off so there's more income in mine and Zak's pockets. He's the breadwinner, which is fine...but it bugs me so much. But I can't handle two jobs at once, I've tried it & it wears me out to the point of not wanting to do anything. I NEED a life. Burlesque is that life, but it's hard to keep everything teetering on the even scale when there's money to be given everywhere I go.
SIGH.
